Let me Introduce Myself...

It has been 8 long months since I have allowed myself to sit in this space, put on this hat, and call myself a writer. I feel like I was waiting for a lot of different shit to be over, so my creativity did not scream STRESSED, DEPRESSED, AND FRUSTRATED. But sitting on the other side of it I wish I had let it out and allowed myself to see what the darkness looked like outside of my body.

To be honest I was afraid, afraid of what people would think about the healer, being so low, she could not heal herself. I introduced meat back into my diet and beat the literal shit out of myself mentally because of it. Was I less spiritual? Less effective? Was I a fake phony or a fraud? I am telling you I ran through these thoughts over and over from the moment I moved back to St. Louis. Simply because I was not practicing what I encouraged or what I preached. In my mind I was not leading by the example I wanted others to be inspired by.

What I needed to know is that providing compassion for the transition and changes I was going through was exactly the example that will inspire others to continue working and pushing themselves on this journey of their human experience.

I was stuck in a space where I no longer had the tools to help myself and it challenged me in many ways. I started going back to the gym, not because I enjoyed being active but because I feared getting as big as I used to be. I had to ask myself what was happening, and I had to get a therapist. It’s not uncommon for a therapist to have one but I realized how much I put off getting help once I finally started. I used to be this calm, ‘to myself’, kind of spirit. I would choose being at home in my own space over being in someone else’s any day. I knew the cheat code to rebalancing my energy and I had set practices and rituals that kept me in the best vibration I could be in. All of that changed when I moved home. It felt like I lost myself. I was in someone else’s space now; I could not do the same things I did before to rebalance. I could not be alone like I wanted, or when I wanted. I could not set up my altar, meditate, or burn candles. My autonomy felt stifled. All because I was back in my mother's house. Every skill I had acquired on my own was useless at home. I really did not know what to do or how to do it. So, I ate my feelings and went out almost 4 days a week and every weekend getting lit and chasing after whatever freedom looked like at the time.

I asked myself often if I was enjoying myself or distracting myself and it was an honest amount of both. Looking back, it was all necessary. I needed to figure so much out. I realized that the hardest challenge was maintaining who I claim to be in any environment, environments that did not encourage the life I wanted to live, environments that were unfamiliar. It took sessions with my therapist and time to understand that although I could not participate in all the same practices I had before I could still be who I was and growing into with small adjustments, compromises, and intention. Normally I would not encourage myself to compromise under any circumstances but for me it was more of me reminding myself who I am with all the resources and freedom I desire and without.

During this entire re-introduction to myself I lost someone that I spent 3 months speaking to every single day. My friend took his own life towards the end of summer and that was when I realized how defeated and depressed, I really was. I struggled with a lot of guilt, rehashing every moment we ever spent together to try and see what I missed and where I went wrong in picking up how much pain he was in. I beat myself up because this is what I do with my life, and I could not even help my friend. I questioned myself as a person and as a healer. I was mad at the universe for taking time we could have spent away. I was mad at myself just because. He knew the challenges I faced that summer of internship and let me vent, scream and yell about it whenever I wanted, but I never stopped thinking that he created that space for me and what did I create for him? Losing him changed something in me forever and made me realize how much we do not know about our loved ones and how much they struggle and bear their burdens alone. It was a reminder to be even more loving and even more intentional and not let one moment go by without being as authentic as possible. Time never belonged to us. Time doesn't even exist. I took his death personally in a lot of negative ways as attacks on myself instead of remembering all the time I was granted, I was fixated on the time we lost. Therapy helped me to not blame myself and helped me get back to a space of self-love, compassion and understanding, of who I truly am and how I show up for others.

So, who am I now? Who am I re-introducing? My name is Brittany Elizabeth R. Buchannon, I am a human, a writer, a lover, a healer, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a student of life, a leader, I am me.

I am a Master’s Degree Shawty, and a Provisionally Licensed Professional Counselor.

& On my best and worst days, I commit now as I write this, to being the most authentic version of myself forever. I will call myself out when I do not have it to give and pour over in abundance when I do. We are truly in this together, so if you are willing to make the commitment too, then you know what to do!

-B

Food For thought:

How do you feel about your level of self-awareness?

On a scale of 1-10 I want you to rate your level of self awareness and put a pin in it for another time!