A Brush With Abuse

I spent the past year and a half in love with someone I thought I could be with forever, only to find myself, just a few months post-breakup, replaying moments and asking a hard question: Did I have a brush with abuse?

At first, it felt impossible to even entertain that thought. How could I question a man who had done so much for me? The romantic gestures, the gifts, the proclamations of love, all the things that made me feel chosen. But with time and distance, I started to see the truth behind the performance. There were grand gestures without groundedness, apologies without change, promises without progress.

He often said things like, “I’m the most romantic man you’ve ever been with,” or “You know there isn’t a man alive as romantic as me.” At first, I believed it. Later, I realized that it wasn’t love speaking, it was ego. He wanted to be seen as the romantic partner, not be one. The gestures were never about genuine connection; they were about validation and control.

Someone recently said to me, “Kindness is in your nature; it lives in the creases of your soul. Niceness, on the other hand, is flat, performative, and fades quickly.” That hit me. Because what I experienced wasn’t kindness, it was niceness wrapped in manipulation.

Looking back, I can now see how subtle abuse can be. It doesn’t always come with bruises or broken glass. Sometimes it shows up as verbal digs disguised as jokes, emotional withdrawal when you assert your boundaries, or charm that evaporates the moment you express a need. Sometimes it’s the “almost” shove, the raised voice, or the look that makes you shrink just a little. These are all ways power and control show up in relationships long before things turn overtly violent.

If you’re questioning whether your relationship feels off, if you’ve felt afraid, smaller, or emotionally unstable around your partner, it’s okay to pause and check the facts.

How to Check the Facts and Protect Yourself

(Practical ways to assess and respond to early signs of abuse)

1. Notice the Pattern, Not the Apology. Does your partner apologize but continue the same behavior? Repeated cycles of remorse without real change often signal manipulation, not growth.

2. Watch for Power Shifts. If your partner uses anger, guilt, or affection to control your emotions or decisions, it’s not love, it’s control. Healthy love makes space for both voices.

3. Separate Words from Actions. Pay attention to consistency. A person’s values are revealed by their daily behavior, not their declarations of love.

4. Listen to Your Body. Your body keeps score. Do you feel tense, anxious, or like you’re “walking on eggshells” around them? Your nervous system often recognizes danger before your mind does.

5. Tell the Truth in a Safe Space. Talk to someone you trust, a friend, a therapist, or a counselor, about what’s happening. Sometimes hearing yourself say it out loud brings clarity you can’t find alone.

6. Plan Your Separation Safely. If you fear your partner may become physically or verbally aggressive when you set boundaries or leave, plan ahead.

   • Avoid breaking up in isolated places.

   • Inform a friend or family member beforehand.

   • Keep essential documents, cash, and transportation accessible.

   • If you ever feel unsafe, call 911 or reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) for confidential guidance.

     
     

Reclaim Your Power.

 Healing after a manipulative relationship takes time. Practice grounding, journaling, and self-compassion. Remind yourself that confusion after abuse is normal; it doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re human.